Are You a Perfectionist? Understanding the Effects of Perfectionism and How to Change It

There is an age-old phrase that says, “Practice makes perfect.” This refers to the idea that the more you practice and work at something, the better you get at it. But will we ever be “perfect” at it? Even experts in any field are never perfect at something.

They will never know all the answers or perform flawlessly, even when they excel and are at the top of the class. There is a more recent phrase that states, “Practice makes progress.” This implies that as we do something more frequently and work at it, we will get better, but it does not have an emphasis on perfection.

Has anyone ever told you that you are a perfectionist? Or “Don’t be a perfectionist?” Maybe you don’t leave the office until the project or task is “perfect.” Perhaps you spend hours perfecting a presentation, only to feel it’s still not good enough.

Maybe your son or daughter gets upset with anything lower than a 100 on a test or assignment. Perhaps you stay up late, not because you are a night owl, but because you want everything to be “just right” before you go to bed.

Meriam-Webster defines “perfectionism” as “a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable.” Wanting to do things well and being a perfectionist are two different things. The tricky thing about the term “perfect” is that people have different standards for what is “perfect.”

I can look at a drawing and say, “Wow, that’s great!” While the artist might say, “Well, I need to work on it some more.” Someone may compliment your hair, but after spending an hour fighting with it this morning to get it “right,” you still don’t feel it’s as good as it could be.

According to Verywell.com

The three types of perfectionism are

Socially prescribed perfectionism Involves high standards and social pressure to succeed. This type contributes to poor self-confidence and feelings of anxiety.

Other-oriented perfectionism Involves having high expectations of other people. This type can contribute to conflict and relationship problems.

Self-oriented perfectionism A more adaptive form of perfectionism characterized by high motivation, resourcefulness, and positive emotions.

There are two sides to the coin.

There are two sides to perfectionism. The first is the side that assists in being organized, paying attention to detail, and striving to do your best. The other side is the side that turns into a downward spiral of trying to prove you are doing it “right” or “perfect,” feeling it isn’t perfect yet, and then depression and or anxiety leads to trying harder.

Attributes of perfectionists

• People pleasing
• Set unrealistically high personal standards
• Highly self-critical
• Fearing failure
• Procrastinating or struggling with indecisiveness due to rigid expectations
• Meticulous
• Organized
• Driven
• Difficulty delegating
• Defensiveness toward criticism
• Focus only on results
• Depression from unmet goals

Causes of Perfectionism

Many factors can affect a person’s chances of having a perfectionist personality. Some of the main causes of perfectionism include:

• A fear of judgment or disapproval from others
• Early childhood experiences, such as having parents with unrealistically high expectations
• Having a mental health condition associated with perfectionist tendencies, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
• Poor self-esteem
• Feelings of inadequacy
• A need for control
• Tying self-worth to achievements
• Fear of failure
• Anxiety

What does perfectionism cause?

• It can limit productivity
• More anxiety
• Lead to less sleep
• Stress
• Irritability
• Extra physical, mental, and emotional energy
• Feeling not good enough
• Less productivity than high achievers
• Strains interpersonal relationships

How to Overcome Perfectionism

If you are a perfectionist and want to reduce some of its adverse impacts on your life, there are a few things you can do. Strategies that can help you overcome perfectionism include:

• Creating an environment where you feel accepted
• Engaging in positive self-talk
• Not comparing yourself to others.
• Prayer focuses on His strength and not ours.
• Using techniques from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), such as challenging negative thoughts

Healthy perfectionism can drive people to perform their best, but unhealthy perfectionism can lead to stress, anxiety, low self-esteem, and other issues that can affect their quality of life. Perfectionists are often critical, driven by fear, have unrealistic expectations, fear failure, and are defensive when they face any criticism.

If you see some of these perfectionist traits in yourself, don’t despair. Recognizing that a change may be needed is a very important first step. Once you recognize how these tendencies might be affecting you negatively, you can begin working toward taking a healthier approach that will still allow you to achieve your goals with less stress and negativity.

Perfectionism can affect different aspects of life and can even be debilitating. Perfectionists tend to put their unrealistic standards on their close family and friends, including their children. When a child grows up in this environment, they tend to become more anxious and feel like what they do is never good enough. That is not a message we want our children to internalize.

Spiritual Application

Several religions are works-based. You have to do enough right things to outweigh the bad to enter Heaven. In Islam, Heaven can be achieved by submitting to Allah, believing in him, and performing the good deeds outlined in the Five Pillars of Islam.

The Bible says in Ephesians 2:8-9, “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one can boast.” Not only do we not have to earn salvation, but we also can’t use it to boast or brag about our doings.

As Christians, we strive to embody honesty, integrity, love, and respect, not merely to gain entry into Heaven, but to give back to others with what was given to us, and to glorify Him in all we do. This changes our focus and motivation behind our deeds.

I am so thankful that I don’t have to be perfect to have a relationship with my Creator and to spend eternity with my Father.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. – Colossians 3:23-24

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. – Colossians 3:17

This is what the Lord says: “Let not the wise boast of their wisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast of their riches, but let the one who boasts boast about this: that they have the understanding to know me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight,” declares the Lord. – Jeremiah 9:23-24

A simple phrase that can begin changing your perfectionism is “The world won’t end if…” For example, “The world won’t end if the sink isn’t empty before I go to bed.” “It’s okay if I finish the project tomorrow and let myself rest to have a clearer mind tomorrow.”

Is perfectionism something that you realize drives what you do and how you do it? Counseling can help address the factors contributing to your perfectionism, equipping you with ways to set realistic goals and give yourself and others grace in the process.