Aging in America Part 2: The Sandwich Generation

In early adulthood (ages 18-40), we are focused on finding a mate, establishing a career, starting a family, and building our social circle. In middle age (ages 40-65), we are raising teenagers, establishing and maintaining our economic standard of living, and adjusting to the changes that come with aging.

In older adulthood (age 65+), we enter retirement, experience deaths of family and friends, slow down physically and cognitively, and possibly need to depend on others.

One in seven, or 15%, of middle-aged adults will provide financial support for both their parents and children – the older the parent (80+), the more emotional support that is needed. Two-thirds of older adults live with family members, while one-third live alone. 80% of older adults have living children, and daughters are three times more likely to assist aging parents than sons.

Our society is experiencing an increasing number of people who are caring for their parents and dependent children simultaneously, which is referred to as the sandwich generation. Many Americans find themselves juggling a job, their parents, and children, including bounce-back kids who return home after a divorce or college. Also, many parents care for or raise grandchildren.

Factors contributing to the rise in the sandwich generation include longer life expectancy, having children later in life, the baby boomer generation now being 60-79 years old, and increased support for children over the age of eighteen.

Dual caregiving is emotionally and physically demanding, as I found myself in this role several years ago, and I was unprepared for what this season of life would encompass. My journey began on a regular day with my mother’s fall and her broken hip, then, a week later, my dad’s diagnosis of liver cancer, coupled with homeschooling our youngest, and graduate school for me.

Although I was fortunate to share the responsibility with a sibling and a supportive family, it still proved to be challenging. As I had not anticipated this situation, I was unprepared for the difficulties that lay ahead. Here are some things I’ve learned and wish I had known before becoming a dual caregiver.

Effects on Caregivers

Poor Health Habits

Caregivers often develop poor health habits by failing to care for themselves, avoiding exercise, eating poorly, and neglecting their emotional well-being. They become so busy taking care of everyone else that they neglect their own needs. It is essential to attend to your needs.

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. – 1 Cor 6:19-20, ESV

Becoming Overwhelmed

Physically caring for elderly parents is complex, but coupled with dependent children, it becomes challenging.

Because many things need to be taken care of  – driving kids to various activities, homework, extracurricular activities, employment responsibilities, maintaining the household, caring for your parents, running errands, and attending doctor visits – caregivers often get overwhelmed and feel rushed. It is vital to delegate responsibilities, ask for help, and learn to say no.

Psychological Distress

Psychological distress includes physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion stemming from the demands of caring for a loved one and raising a child. Emotionally, you may experience worry, sadness, anger, or irritability. Mentally, you may have difficulty concentrating, difficulties sleeping, depression, or anxiety.

Physically, you may experience changes in appetite, fluctuations in weight, fatigue, and various health issues. It is vital to have someone to talk through your emotions, whether a spouse, trusted friend, pastor, or counselor.

Sadness or Grief

Caregivers also struggle with sadness or grief over experiencing their parents’ decline. Some elderly deal with physical limitations or diseases, others with declining cognitive abilities, which then require more care (parents needing to move in or go to a care facility) and more time to take care of medical and financial issues.

Mourning your parents’ loss of vibrancy and ability to live independently. Also, be mindful that your parent may be struggling emotionally with giving up their independence or not being able to do things they once could. Be encouraging and supportive of your parents, and discuss your sadness with others.

Struggles for Caregivers

Strain on family and finances

Caregiving will cause distress and challenges in relationships with parents, children, spouse, and friends. The stress of caregiving will more than likely reveal or exacerbate existing difficulties in relationships. Boundaries will, in most cases, need to be established if the parent expects too much.

Caregiving may place a strain on your finances if you need to work fewer hours or quit your job to care for a parent. Additionally, you may need to assist your parent financially.

Balancing Roles

Many compromises are often necessary, including missed activities for children, delayed or cancelled vacations, and putting plans on hold, such as returning to school, advancing in a job, or relocating.

Caregiving for parents generally fluctuates with health crises and the need to rely on you more. Balancing these roles is challenging and may lead to caregiver burnout if not managed carefully.

Parents not receptive to advice

Providing appropriate care when parents are unwilling is a difficult task. Your parent may struggle to cope with the loss of independence and the need to depend on others. But having those difficult conversations while your parents can make decisions is imperative.

Discussing plans for future living accommodations, medical and legal power of attorneys, and making sure they have a will in place are essential conversations to have before a crisis occurs. It may be uncomfortable to discuss these issues, but approach them with concern for them and their desires, as well as for the weight it takes off you and other family members, including your parents.

Making these decisions amid a crisis is stressful and may not turn out well. When you are proactive, you have time to consider alternatives, consult other family members, and hopefully avoid spur-of-the-moment decisions.

Recommendations

Self-care

During caregiving, it is crucial to care for yourself. What do you do to relieve stress and unplug? Maybe you enjoy exercise, cooking or baking, taking a walk, or relaxing in a bath, listening to music, spending time in prayer, or studying God’s word. Some people enjoy activities like playing a sport, being creative through painting or drawing, or simply getting away with their spouse or having lunch with a friend.

There are many opportunities for self-care, but it must be a priority. You need time to care for yourself, mind, body, and soul. If you deplete yourself, you will not be able to serve anyone well.

Examine Your Roles and Priorities

Boundaries often need to be established to prevent overextension. You will need to learn to say no or to delegate. Do not try to do it all. Decide what is essential and what you can personally handle, not what others expect of you.

If someone takes advantage of you, that is on you. Learning to speak up makes situations easier in the long run for everyone. It may be difficult, but it is much better to have conversations and establish boundaries before you become frustrated and say things you will regret.

Have the Hard Discussions

Discuss options for parents with adult siblings or your spouse to determine how to manage the various responsibilities (i.e., doctors’ appointments, paying bills, caregiving). If you have older children, be honest and talk with them about this season. That you may need help, and compromises may be necessary.

Your children may help with their grandparents or take on additional chores around the house to lighten your load. Sacrifices may need to occur in your workplace by taking a leave of absence, cutting back on hours, or changing positions to something less demanding.

Challenging Relationships

Spending extended time with parents where roles have reversed and you are now caring for them can put a strain on your relationship. Caregiving will exacerbate any existing issues or reveal underlying tensions. Caregiving exposes issues in yourself or in your parent – things you may have been harboring. In this new role, you may see things that you never realized, such as your parent being more independent, more needy, compassionate, or uncaring.

Grace

Be aware of the struggles that your parent may be going through, especially if they have endured the death of a spouse, family, and/or friends. Take into consideration that they may not be able to do things that they usually would do, or that they may have lost independence by relying on mobility aids or have had to stop driving.

They may struggle with depression, anxiety, or grief over life changes. It may be difficult for them to share these feelings with you, as they do not want to burden you or maybe are embarrassed that they are struggling. Encourage them to speak with someone.

Enjoy the Moment

It is easy to get caught up in caregiving, especially if attending to children and parents simultaneously, but take the time to enjoy and engage with both. You don’t want to miss the chance to learn from your parents (your family history, their wisdom). Take the time to ask questions and keep a journal of their answers. Take pictures, make audio and video recordings. Time is finite.

Encouraging Verses

When facing the challenges of caregiving, trust in the Lord, lean into him to give you the strength to endure, and seek Him for wisdom and guidance.

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” – Matt 11:28, NLT

He gives strength to the weary and strengthens the powerless. – Isa 40:29, HCSB

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. – Phil 4:6-9, NLT

While it is challenging to care for a parent while raising a child, it is helpful to understand the possibilities ahead. There are so many variables involved that you must take it day by day. Approaching each day with flexibility and understanding. Being aware of not only the needs of those you are caring for but also of your own needs and taking time for self-care.

To manage and maintain the plethora of demands in caring for a parent and child, it may be necessary to seek counseling from a licensed counselor or pastor to discuss coping strategies, how to manage and balance multiple roles, or challenging family dynamics.