Making and Keeping Adult Friendships

Life is full and chaotic, and often adult friendships seem to be what is left behind. Adult friendships are rewarding and beneficial for our mental, emotional, and spiritual health, but can be tricky to navigate.

Adult friendships look and feel different than friendships when we were younger. We have separate responsibilities and don’t want to bother others with our “problems.” We can also struggle to connect and trust beyond the surface level of work, kids’ sports, and hobbies.

According to a 2024 poll by the American Psychiatric Association, “one-third of adults feel lonely at least once a week.”

Relationships are a crucial part of our lives. God made us for relationships and connections. The most important relationship is our relationship with Him. The Old and New Testaments are clear that God desires to “walk with us.” Leviticus 26:12 says, “I will walk among you and be your God, and you will be my people.”

2 Corinthians 6:16 says, “What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said, “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” How much closer can He be than in us? God is always with us and will “never leave us nor forsake us.” (Hebrews 13:5)

When it comes to friendships, we put up walls to protect ourselves from hurt. Walls can help us “feel” more protected, but they can also keep us from having a genuine connection with people and God.

Your circle doesn’t have to be large, but you need a circle of support and friendship. This is true not just for what others can do for you in support, but also for what you have to offer others in their times of need. Friendships are to share the joys and struggles of life. We desire a connection with others.

What are the characteristics of a healthy connection?

C.O.N.N.E.C.T.I.O.N stands for

Confidential Healthy friends keep personal things confidential. If you ask them not to share it, they don’t. Even if you don’t ask them, some things are not ours to share. Good news can be included in this in some situations. With social media, we shouldn’t post someone else’s information without asking first – pregnancy, new additions, weddings, death, and other major life events. This is respectful, builds trust, and deepens the relationship.

Open Healthy friendships need to be mutually open. People open up at different rates and in various ways, but it needs to be mutual. Opening up should take time, but once again, it is different for everyone.

Nearby You may have friends that live far away, but friends that live closer will be able to support you in ways that the ones farther away are not able to do. If you need a last-minute babysitter, a neighbor can help. If you have a flat tire and need someone to help or pick you up, a nearby friend can help. There are times when you or your kids are celebrating a milestone, and having friends physically present is rewarding.

Natural The deepest friendships are with those with whom you feel you can be yourself.

Encouraging People are either encouragers or discouragers. Healthy friends can challenge each other and hold each other accountable while remaining encouraging and supportive.

Christian The deepest and closest friendships need to be among Christ followers. We are called to be “in the world but not of the world.”

Time Friendships don’t grow without time to build trust and make memories. They also require time to be there for each other through the hard times and the joys of life.

Interests Good friends have some common interests. There may be some people with whom you share different interests. This is often where friendships begin – in church, through sports, at work, or over shared hobbies.

Optimal We want our closest friends to challenge us and hold us accountable to be our best selves. We need to be able to do the same for them.

New Be willing to make new friends. They may not all become close friends or even be in your circle for long, but connections are still possible.

Be the friend you want

We must be the friend we want to have. If we expect friends to be there for us, we must be there for others. The same thing we teach our children. If you want others to be nice to you, then you must be nice to them.

I have heard multiple times that people say they don’t need friends. They have been hurt in the past and are anxious about opening up and letting anyone else into their world again. Counseling can assist you in this process of healing and building healthy relationships.

Ways to Find Friends

• Invite someone to your home or to join you at a restaurant to get to know them.
• Ask God who might need a friend or someone to listen; even if that friendship doesn’t turn into best friends, it can be an encouragement for both of you.
• Attend church fellowships and activities.
• It’s easy to walk into church, sit, worship, and walk out as soon as it ends. This prevents others from knowing you and vice versa.
• Start small talk with your kids’ friends’ parents at sporting events or church.
• When you hear of a need, look for ways to meet it or be part of it. This can deepen the connection, more than just seeing each other once a week in passing. Sometimes we may not feel like we know someone well enough to offer to meet a need, but this is what shows them you care and improves the relationship.
• For those who are more introverted but seeking friendship, send someone a text, email, or card to encourage them or see if they are willing to get to know each other over lunch or coffee.
• Find a Facebook group in your area with common interests – (ex, DFW stay-at-home moms) (Online friends are good with boundaries)

Friendships impact our mental health and well-being. Family is crucial to our support system, but those outside our family are crucial as well. There is a weight that is lifted when you have someone to call on the good days and the hard days. It also feels good to have someone trust you at this level. Jesus had twelve disciples. If anyone could have done life alone, it would have been Jesus, and yet He invited twelve men to join Him in his life journey.

It takes time

There are levels of friendship.

Acquaintances This is someone you know whether by name or something basic. These are the people you see at church, work, your kids’ sports, but don’t really know them. You may exchange a kind “hello” or “how are you?” But there is not usually a lengthy or personal answer.

Casual friends These are the people that you know a little more about. Your kids may be in the same sports school, class, or someone you have worked with for a while. You know basic information about each other and have brief conversations, but not outside of where you met.

Good friends Good friends are people with whom you have built trust over time and who you enjoy spending time with. These are the people you seek out for social events, inviting them over and calling when needed.

Best friends Although people have different definitions of who qualifies as a “best friend,” it’s someone you have developed a deeper trust with and know on a more personal basis.

This is a progression that should take time. When a friendship skips steps or goes through steps too quickly, it becomes unhealthy in one way or another.

Technology and Friendships

Technology can give us ways to reach out to others that were not as easy before it became part of our daily lives. But it can also keep us from truly reaching out to others. We are busy and say, “I’ll just send them a text message to see how they are doing after the loss of their spouse or parent.” We think, “I don’t want to call, and it’s a bad time.”

Sometimes a call during a difficult time is precisely what they needed and exactly how God wanted you to meet that need. This gesture can show them or remind them that not only are you there for them, but God will “never leave or forsake them.”

Our society feels awkward about stopping by someone’s house to check on them or about introducing ourselves to our neighbors. It feels invasive. We don’t know what that would do for them, and it can turn into a friendship or a ministry opportunity. If the person doesn’t want to talk to anyone, they don’t have to answer the phone or the door, but that is their choice.

Friendships In the Bible

There are multiple stories in the Bible of friendships.

David and Jonathon were close friends who supported each other through difficult times. Can you imagine these stories in the Bible without that friendship?

Paul and Timothy’s friendship was also a mentorship and discipleship type of relationship. There were mutual respect and trust. They went on mission journeys together and did life together.

Ruth and Naomi were family, yet they were close beyond family ties.

Paul and Barnabas were serving together during their mission work. To serve beside each other day in and day out, there has to be mutual respect, trust, and a common calling.

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. – Proverbs 17:17, NIV

Bear with each other and forgive one another, if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. – Colossians 3:13, NIV

Greater love has no one than this to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. – John 15:13, NIV

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, NIV

Counseling and Friendship

Some people refer to counselors as “paid friends.” Although it is more than that, it can help build confidence and heal some things that keep you from having healthy friendships or from reaching out to potential friends. So much of the health of our friendships is based on how we see ourselves, which is what counseling can help you with to build a healthy view of yourself and your value in God’s eyes.

The Ultimate Relationship

We can be in a room of a hundred people, be completely alone, and yet not feel lonely. The most important friendship is with our Lord and Savior. Do you have a relationship with Him? It is not just believing in Him or attending church. It is a relationship that involves our daily communication with Him, including talking, listening, and leaning on Him for our strength, hope, wisdom, and to meet all our needs.

He never fails, and “He will never leave us nor forsake us.” You can tell Him everything. If you have not accepted His gift of salvation but want to begin that relationship with your Creator, please call me. I will show you His promises, and after deciding for Christ, you will start to experience the “peace that surpasses all understanding.”