The Third Party in Infidelity

When we talk about infidelity, we tend to focus on those who were cheated on and those who cheated. We look at the “couple” in the situation; the straying spouse and the one they hurt. But infidelity requires a third person, and we often overlook how an affair can affect them.

It can be just as damaging and difficult to process being the “other person” involved in an affair. In TV and movies, the other person often doesn’t have any residual emotions. The plot revolves around the couple, and the other person is just there to create tension. But what about the person left behind when the person in a relationship goes home?

There can be feelings of guilt or questioning if what we are doing is right. There can be anxiety over getting caught. There can be loss and hurt if the other person decides to stay with their spouse. If the third party did not know their lover was married, that can lead to emotions they never had to consider before finding out the truth.

Infidelity is complicated and multifaceted. There are reasons people seek sex outside of their marriage. There are reasons why people willingly enter into a relationship with someone they know to be married. However carnal we pretend sex to be, there are emotions and attachments behind the act. An affair carries with it a certain amount of weight regardless of how cavalier people (and society) choose to be.

The level of intimacy can affect a person in an affair. Casual hook-ups from online dating sites versus carrying on as if you were a couple bring with them different emotions and attachments.

A counselor can help unpack what is going on. When the affair is over, or even when it’s going on, it is important to take time to process the situation. We often do not want accountability when we choose to engage in sex with someone who is married but that is exactly what we need. A counselor can help you identify what need you are seeking to fill, help you reset boundaries, or bring some clarity to a situation it is easy to get lost in.

It can sometimes be years before we are ready to process our choice. It might not be until we are getting serious with someone else that we have the clarity to face our decision. If we numbed our feelings or denied the person had a spouse so we could participate in the affair, it might take some time for us to unpack things and this is a time when a counselor can help.

Whether we cared for the other person involved, or they were just a Friday night hook-up, guilt and shame can hold us hostage. If the other person decides to go back to their spouse when we expected them to leave, we have to process that loss.

A counselor can help remove the stigmas around being the third party in an affair. There is no reason to let your past decisions affect your future relationships. You can have a healthy and normal relationship after an affair. A counselor can help you decide what you need to do to move forward.

You are not alone. The counselors at Mansfield Christian Counseling are here to help. Please call to schedule an appointment.