Why Respecting Boundaries in Relationships Matters

There may be many similarities across various relationships, but boundaries in relationships will look different in different relationships if they are to flourish. The kind of love that exists between a parent and child doesn’t look the same or work in the same way as that between a husband and wife. At the root of both is love, but that love acts differently in meeting the needs of that relationship.

In the same way, each relationship requires boundaries, but what those boundaries are and how they are applied may differ depending on the relationship. However, the key thing is that boundaries are necessary for relationships and the people in them to flourish.

What is a boundary?

Surely, having boundaries in relationships means that you’re not close with the person? Often, people mistake boundaries for formality or even emotional remoteness. As such, it feels like boundaries are what you have with the people you either don’t like or with whom you’re trying to keep things professional, like your banker or real estate agent. However, boundaries are essential in any relationship, and they help it flourish. Let me explain.

In the dictionary of the American Psychological Association (APA), a boundary is defined as a “psychological demarcation that protects the integrity of an individual or group or that helps the person or group set realistic limits on participation in a relationship or activity.”

This boundary marks the line between individuals, telling them apart for the purpose of conducting a meaningful relationship. Without boundaries, you can’t tell who each party in the relationship is, and that’s a big deal, especially because of how our needs and capacities differ.

What’s so important about boundaries in relationships?

If you take an everyday example, say you have two cars in your household – it matters which car is yours and which belongs to your spouse, doesn’t it? Of course, the cars belong to you both, but you prefer yours, know its quirks, and it meets your needs. The seat and steering wheel are set just right for your height, and it can feel weird driving your spouse’s car.

Let’s consider another example. Doesn’t a clear property line matter between your house and your neighbor’s? As much as you love your neighbor, that clear property line has a function, including what you’re responsible to maintain, and what you can do on your side of the line.

These two examples might indicate how important boundaries are. Yes, you can detail your spouse’s car or trim the edges of your neighbor’s lawn when you’re doing yours, but that line helps with accountability and allows you the freedom to be yourself.

You can be clear about who has responsibilities over what, but you can still serve one another well. It’s up to your spouse to gas the car up, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it for them as an act of love.

The key thing here is that the boundary allows you to differentiate what’s yours, and what is for the other. It helps you to set up realistic expectations for how you do life together.

Boundaries can extend to many other things, including what you do with money, or time, or the access you give one another to your devices, or whether you’re okay with raised voices in a conflict, and so on.

The boundaries help you to distinguish and know each other’s needs, tolerances, and proclivities, and they help you know how best to love and honor one another. They help you avoid burnout from overextending yourself and not creating space to have your needs met.

Perhaps you struggle with setting or maintaining healthy boundaries in your relationships, or it may be that the concept of boundaries is new to you. You can reach out to a trained and licensed mental health professional to find out more about boundaries in relationships and how they are essential for a healthy relationship.