Couples find themselves arguing over small disagreements continuously, but what does that mean? Are the issues really pet peeves, or is there an underlying issue that needs to be addressed? Emotionally focused marriage therapy addresses those patterns and helps couples break the cycle so they can move forward and continue to communicate on a deeper level.

What is Emotionally Focused Marriage Therapy?

Emotionally focused marriage therapy, also known as EFT, helps couples resolve conflict by identifying patterns and getting to the underlying issue. The underlying issue could be a want or need. For example, the client may withdraw from their spouse’s touch, which angers the spouse. But the client’s withdrawal may stem from jealousy toward their spouse’s coworker or feelings of inadequacy.

How EFT Works

EFT helps couples to pause and identify the pattern so that they can break the emotion-fueled cycle. They learn to address the underlying problem by being direct and vulnerable. Each person leads with a statement that informs their spouse how they feel. This statement in emotionally focused marriage therapy is worded in attachment language, such as, “I miss our talks, and I’m worried that we are growing apart,” instead of, “You are never home!”

  • Patterns and Cycles – Couples begin to identify the patterns and work to break the cycle by addressing the real emotion.
  • Underlying Emotions – Underlying emotions and fear can cause miscommunication. Emotionally focused marriage therapy uncovers these emotions and helps each person develop attachment-language statements.
  • Behavior Change – Couples learn how to speak to each other and express their vulnerabilities.

Studies have shown that as many as 90% of couples have shown significant improvement after treatment. Counseling sessions can last for 8 to 20 weeks, depending on your situation.

Tips for Getting Started with Emotionally Focused Marriage Therapy

A Christian counselor can help you with emotionally focused marriage therapy. You will want to choose a practitioner certified in EFT. You can choose to meet virtually or in person for the sessions.

Identify the Patterns

A counselor may ask you and your spouse to keep a journal or recount the behaviors and words leading up to and during arguments. They will help you identify patterns and uncover hidden emotions you may not be sure how to express.

Be Willing to Show Vulnerability

Telling the truth can feel vulnerable. You may be afraid of backlash, abandonment, or rejection. Emotionally focused marriage therapy helps timid spouses come forward and voice their concerns, reach out to their partner, while also teaching the other spouse how to listen and actively share their feelings with patience and sincerity.

Put Words to Your Emotions

Attachment language expresses how you feel. Your counselor will have suggestions based on your emotions. An example includes, “I get upset when you are on your phone for hours and not listening to me because I’m afraid I am losing you to someone else or that we are growing apart.”

Remain Kind in Your Responses

Remain kind and soft in your tone when you respond to each other. You are learning to express your real wants and needs constructively. This is a lifelong skill that will serve your marriage for years to come.

Christian Counseling for Marriage Issues

If you are tired of the arguments and are ready to identify the patterns and break the cycle, then emotionally focused marriage therapy may be for you. Call our Christian counseling center today to speak with a counselor about how EFT could improve communication in your marriage.

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